Caleb

[nola_northstar]

Seth didn't have a resolution for his grief, or the extremely specific and unpleasant feeling of being married and also extremely not married. He didn't have a resolution for the discovery and loss of a beloved sister, let alone an entire life.

But what he did have was a resolution for what had between himself and Caleb. What he had was confirmation that their bond was genuine and borne of this life, right here and right now, in this year, in this town.

And Seth knew, like Jean-Paul knew, that life was aggressively short and unconscionably difficult. Seth, like Jean-Paul, knew that circumstance wasn't an excuse; that good things had to be fought for or else they would be lost.

So Seth was grieving, and confused, and overwhelmed with memories. But he also wanted to kiss the hell out of Caleb. So that's what he did: he went to Caleb's, and he texted when he was outside so he wouldn't wake up Caleb's daughter, and when the door opened, he kissed Caleb like a greeting and an apology and reassurance that, despite the trauma and confusion, this man still wanted the man that was Caleb.

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[nola_havok]

He had been utterly convinced that it was over with Seth. The past couple days had been miserable because of the guilt of having awared him, yes, and the general difficulty of a holiday that mostly represented abuse and grief, but mostly Caleb had been mourning the burgeoning relationship he'd had with Seth. He'd had to put on a brave face for Scottie and not let it slip to tell Katie, or Sam, what he was going through, because he knew if he let it slip it would fall off completely.

But then Seth said it didn't have to be over, and Caleb was overwhelmed with relief and the very real need to see Seth immediately, to keep the disbelief at bay. He paced quietly, bare feet against the wood floors, back and forth across the living room of their small house, nervously waiting. Scottie didn't wake up. His phone buzzed in his hand. And Seth was standing outside his door.

Caleb needed everything Seth was giving him in that kiss and took it gratefully, knowing Seth was making a deliberate choice to be with him, making that deliberate choice to be with Seth right back.

[nola_northstar]

Seth held Caleb’s face in his two hands and said quietly, with a smile, “You have to stop your pity party now. You still get to look at me.” It was a joke, but it also wasn’t; Caleb needed to find a way to accept that things might work out.

[nola_havok]

Caleb laughed suddenly but, thankfully, almost soundlessly. It was, strangely, the exact thing he needed to hear just then. "Well. As long as I still get to look at you."

[nola_northstar]

“You do. See? I’m the same.” That was almost entirely true. It had been a grave couple of days, but Seth was still Seth.

[nola_havok]

He kissed Seth again, then took one of Seth's hands in his own. "Time to find out if you remember anything useful from stealth missions." Caleb closed the door as quietly as possible once they'd both stepped inside and led Seth silently down the short hall to his room.

[nola_northstar]

Jean-Paul had always been good at stealth, but Seth had been sneaking boys in and out family homes and his own roommate-packed apartments for a long time, so he had this; he toed off his shoes so he could move soundlessly with Caleb, grinning into the night.

[nola_havok]

Once they were inside, Caleb momentarily poked his head back out into the hall, listening for sound from the direction of Scottie's room. Hearing none, he closed and locked the bedroom door. Mission accomplished. "Welcome to the glamour and excitement of dating a hot dad," he joked, smiling at Seth.

[nola_northstar]

Seth set down his shoes, comfortable. “This is what I’ve been picturing with you,” he said easily.

[nola_havok]

"I am completely unsurprised at you being way ahead of me on this," Caleb replied, pulling Seth close. But he was also surprised--pleasantly so--that Seth had been picturing it at all.

[nola_northstar]

“Nor am I,” Seth agreed. “But I am surprised by you.” There was a vulnerable, emotionally available man dying to get out from under Caleb’s aloof, capable surface.

[nola_havok]

One hand curled against the side of Seth's neck, hungry for simple touch. "Surprised how?" He was, honestly, a little afraid of the answer, but his curiosity won out.

[nola_northstar]

“You’re not as insufferably stoic as I thought you were going to be. You care, and you’re in touch with your feelings.” Seth slid a hand down Caleb’s arm. "All that, and handsome too.”

[nola_havok]

"It might be nice to be stoic sometimes. When I feel like one giant raw nerve. But in general? No, that's not me. I'd've wasted a lot of time and money on therapy if I was not going to acknowledge feeling anything." Seth had already proven that he didn't scare easily, but he still had a lot to learn about Caleb, and even Caleb wasn't entirely sure if he was trying to warn Seth off or open up to him.

[nola_northstar]

“I want to hear those feelings and thoughts as you have them. I don’t want any more secrets. The big x-shaped one is out and that’s enough.” Seth wasn’t interested in being protected or lied to, no matter how noble the reason.

[nola_havok]

"Deal," he agreed. "Consider me an open book. Though. Does this make you my boyfriend? I should know what to tell Scott." He was only a little joking. "When I try to explain away being...possibly overly dramatic at him about you."

[nola_northstar]

“I think it does make me your boyfriend. Life is short and unpredictable and we should take everything we can get from it while we can.” Even if there were still things to work through and learn. “What did you do that was dramatic?”

[nola_havok]

"I have literally never had a boyfriend before." Which he might get nervous about later, but he was currently still too relieved about Seth being there to be anything but happy. "And I've never had an anyone since Scottie. So I apologize in advance for the inevitable learning curve," he said sincerely. He wasn't predicting catastrophe, for once, but he did want to acknowledge his own inevitable (and hopefully minor) fuckups and shortcomings.

"I may have told him I was not okay and incapable of talking about it in a way that strongly implied it had something to do with you. Which is probably very confusing for him because he doesn't know anything about you, except your first name, or us." Mostly because of Scott's previously mentioned tendency to force people into awareness, but also at least a little because Katie was much easier to talk to about hookups than Sam ever could be.

[nola_northstar]

"I have residual feelings for a husband I never had, so we all have learning curves," Seth replied, easily. "We'll get through them."

He smiled, and leaned in to kiss Caleb. "Tell him he'll be inviting me to your next family dinner."

[nola_havok]

"Is it bad if I'm hoping that Lorna and Kyle are off drinking mai tais on a beach somewhere, very at peace and never planning to come to New Orleans?" He'd fight for this new thing he and Seth had if he had to, but he was definitely rooting for less intimidating obstacles than those.

Caleb kissed Seth with real feeling, then shook his head at Seth's comment, looking like he was trying not to laugh. "We have not had any family dinners. I did actually invite him to have Mother's Day here so he could meet Scottie, but he already had plans with his boyfriend Oliver to go see Oliver's mom."

[nola_northstar]

"If I'm here, Kyle is absolutely drinking cocktails on a beach, flirting with handsome men. And good for him." Seth smiled a little. He had to believe that Kyle, wherever he was, was making the most of life. It was an essential part of what made Kyle so fucking lovable.

"Scott has a boyfriend?" Seth tipped his head, considering. "Yes, I can see it. All that Summers repression."

[nola_havok]

Caleb did laugh then. "The X-Men are very gay this lifetime, actually. His boyfriend is Quicksilver." Look, if Caleb had to have that knowledge, Seth did too. It was only fair.

[nola_northstar]

"Oh, the inferior speedster twin," Seth said immediately, almost offended."You win this round, Caleb."

[nola_havok]

That surprised him into a laugh loud enough that he had to clap his hand over his mouth so he wouldn't wake Scottie. When he finally managed to control himself and drop his hand, he was still grinning. "I definitely win."

[nola_northstar]

Seth grinned, because he was very pleased, thank you very much. "Shh," he teased. "You'll wake the sleeping child."

[nola_havok]

"The child luckily sleeps pretty deeply, I am just paranoid and also really don't want her seeing you here before I tell her I'm seeing someone and also you get to meet her in a non-horribly awkward context." Not like Caleb wasn't going to feel at least a little awkward when they met, but a faint current of awkwardness ran through most of parenting anyway. "But you should definitely kiss me some more and remind me how much I'm winning."

[nola_northstar]

"Let me tell you the truth, Caleb," Seth murmured, leaning in to kiss him, "I won."

[nola_havok]

When Seth said things like that, Caleb wondered how he ever thought he could avoid developing feelings for this man. He kissed Seth with joy and gratitude and, yes, love, committed to staying in that moment for as long as he could.

[nola_northstar]

It was better here, on shared ground. It was better that they both knew, even if Seth still hated the knowing. It was better because they weren't pretending their feelings weren't real, or they they weren't important. Seth kissed Caleb luxuriously, taking the privileges the moment afforded him.

[nola_havok]

"When do you have to be at work tomorrow?" Caleb murmured. "I'm trying to figure out how long I can keep you here without you missing out on too much beauty sleep."

[nola_northstar]

"I have a six forty-five a.m call time," Seth answered with a grimace. "Which is late after the last few weeks."

[nola_havok]

Real life really did insist on being intrusive and rude, didn't it? "So I should let you go home and get some sleep."

[nola_northstar]

"Not yet." Soon, maybe, but not yet. Not when Seth could kiss Caleb again, curving in close.

[nola_havok]

Caleb wrapped his arms around Seth. What a privilege to be able to do that, and not one Caleb intended to take for granted.

[nola_northstar]

“Those strong arms,” Seth said softly, approvingly. “I keep thinking about them.”

[nola_havok]

"Good. I like knowing you're thinking about me."

[nola_northstar]

"You've given so much to think about," Seth said wryly, but that didn't stop him from running an appreciative hand over Caleb's forearm.